the Ivey 5 are doing well, life with 3 boys leaves me exhausted, busier than ever and with little down time on my hands... I'm not complaining, just explaining... :)
so it's been 2 months since my last blog update and I hate that time has gotten away from me but... Brent is still doing great, still free of that nasty, ugly depression and we are learning how to live life in a whole new way.
i want to share an update that he sent out via e-mail on March 4, 2011 so you can see his heart and where we are in this new season and journey of our lives...
"Just wanted to update you on the last 6 weeks and what life has been like. The month of January was about the darkest my life has ever been. I felt utterly hopeless, defeated, and completely out of options. I had nowhere to turn. The second week of January as I was driving to see my counselor, I audibly asked God when I could quit. I will never forget that moment. I know exactly where I was. I was done seeking him. I was tired of praying. I couldn't open another book, or fast another day. Bible? Forget it.
I had knocked my last knock. Left for dead at the door.
I couldn't look into Kishan's eyes another time seeing disgust of what her life had become. The shear disappointment and heartache from living with me day in and day out. She loved me but she was done.
Life has been so much different. Things certainly perfect now, and thankfully I never expected them to be. I knew there would be work to do. We had been living with a serious cast on our lives for 10 plus years, and I knew that when you remove a cast, there is always atrophy in the muscles and things would have to be purposefully done to strengthen those muscles. Rehab. Learn to walk again. I knew that there would have to be a serious, focused effort on many areas of our lives to rebuild them, and we have started some of that.
I knew that some attacks would certainly come, and there would be days where I wouldn't feel the greatest or accomplish what I wanted, and I'd be presented with the opportunity to say what happened 6 weeks ago wasn't real.
However, I want you to know, that not for a single moment of any day have I felt hopeless. Not even for a second.
I used to spend my last waking moments at night and my first thoughts every morning trying to overcome the hopeless feeling of the coming day, and finding no relief. No way to overcome it. I could maybe get my heart stirred up for a few short hours, but hopelessness was lurking around every corner, waiting to smother me again. Hopeless, overwhelmed... out of options. I can never put into words just how dark life had become.
But not anymore. Not one second. Hopelessness shattered to never return again.
I don't know exactly what you're going through or what you might be facing.
But I have a testimony about Jesus.
Now I'm alive."
so there you have it...
pretty awesome, words can't describe the gratitude that wells up inside my heart for this miracle... there is true joy in our home that hasn't been here in years, there is a lighter presence altogether, i can't put into words how different life has been since January 21, 2011.
we covet your prayers as we continue to learn to "walk without a cast on" its not an easy thing to retrain yourself when you have become so used to and so accustomed to a way of life for so many years... i'm constantly having to keep myself in check, and there are times i have to take my thoughts captive, and remind satan of January 21st.
being on this side of the "wilderness" we were in for so long and so many years, we have such a compassion for others, my heart aches and hurts for others who live with depression, who are taking care of an ill parent, had we not gone through those things we couldn't bring hope to those who are where we have been in life. and that's the truth for all of us. our story will help someone else if we share it. we can bring hope to the hopeless, healing to the hurting, life to the lifeless, we are the hands and feet of jesus and our past is not our future - it is a catapult to launch us into our destiny... if we let it.
i love you friends and family and thank you for all of your prayers... xoxo