the Ivey 5 are doing well, life with 3 boys leaves me exhausted, busier than ever and with little down time on my hands... I'm not complaining, just explaining... :)
so it's been 2 months since my last blog update and I hate that time has gotten away from me but... Brent is still doing great, still free of that nasty, ugly depression and we are learning how to live life in a whole new way.
i want to share an update that he sent out via e-mail on March 4, 2011 so you can see his heart and where we are in this new season and journey of our lives...
"Just wanted to update you on the last 6 weeks and what life has been like. The month of January was about the darkest my life has ever been. I felt utterly hopeless, defeated, and completely out of options. I had nowhere to turn. The second week of January as I was driving to see my counselor, I audibly asked God when I could quit. I will never forget that moment. I know exactly where I was. I was done seeking him. I was tired of praying. I couldn't open another book, or fast another day. Bible? Forget it.
I had knocked my last knock. Left for dead at the door.
I couldn't look into Kishan's eyes another time seeing disgust of what her life had become. The shear disappointment and heartache from living with me day in and day out. She loved me but she was done.
Life has been so much different. Things certainly perfect now, and thankfully I never expected them to be. I knew there would be work to do. We had been living with a serious cast on our lives for 10 plus years, and I knew that when you remove a cast, there is always atrophy in the muscles and things would have to be purposefully done to strengthen those muscles. Rehab. Learn to walk again. I knew that there would have to be a serious, focused effort on many areas of our lives to rebuild them, and we have started some of that.
I knew that some attacks would certainly come, and there would be days where I wouldn't feel the greatest or accomplish what I wanted, and I'd be presented with the opportunity to say what happened 6 weeks ago wasn't real.
However, I want you to know, that not for a single moment of any day have I felt hopeless. Not even for a second.
I used to spend my last waking moments at night and my first thoughts every morning trying to overcome the hopeless feeling of the coming day, and finding no relief. No way to overcome it. I could maybe get my heart stirred up for a few short hours, but hopelessness was lurking around every corner, waiting to smother me again. Hopeless, overwhelmed... out of options. I can never put into words just how dark life had become.
But not anymore. Not one second. Hopelessness shattered to never return again.
I don't know exactly what you're going through or what you might be facing.
But I have a testimony about Jesus.
He's alive.
Now I'm alive."
so there you have it...
pretty awesome, words can't describe the gratitude that wells up inside my heart for this miracle... there is true joy in our home that hasn't been here in years, there is a lighter presence altogether, i can't put into words how different life has been since January 21, 2011.
we covet your prayers as we continue to learn to "walk without a cast on" its not an easy thing to retrain yourself when you have become so used to and so accustomed to a way of life for so many years... i'm constantly having to keep myself in check, and there are times i have to take my thoughts captive, and remind satan of January 21st.
being on this side of the "wilderness" we were in for so long and so many years, we have such a compassion for others, my heart aches and hurts for others who live with depression, who are taking care of an ill parent, had we not gone through those things we couldn't bring hope to those who are where we have been in life. and that's the truth for all of us. our story will help someone else if we share it. we can bring hope to the hopeless, healing to the hurting, life to the lifeless, we are the hands and feet of jesus and our past is not our future - it is a catapult to launch us into our destiny... if we let it.
i love you friends and family and thank you for all of your prayers... xoxo
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
and now, the rest of the story...
I wanted to share with you this story, testimony, and miracle as told by Brent... so I'm going to share the e-mail he sent out to his closest guy friend who has had such an impact and has been such an answer to prayer and a real God send to Brent...
Here is the e-mail...
Here is the e-mail...
"I've been going up to theRock every morning at 5am and praying, and have been fasting all week long. Just Liquids. The major focus of the fast was for financial breakthrough, which I desparately need, but I've just been pressing into God for my entire situation. On Monday meeting with my counselor, she said, "I don't usually give out a lot of diagnosis, but if I had to diagnose, I would say that you have what is called Double Depression" - I was nonplussed with that. Basically a low level depression for most of my life, with Major Depression on top of it. Google that and see how sweet it is!
All week I've just been praying and believing, and nothing real special was going on. Up at 4am, drive 40 minutes to church, pray, worship, stir up my heart, and drive 40 minutes back home. Drinking coffee, water and chicken broth. Somebody jacked up the grinder settings in the cafe', so I stayed up there for a bit to pull some shots and get it working correctly again and then started to drive home.
As soon as I got on 435 an amazing faith rose up on the inside of me like I haven't experienced since my very early twenties. The fire of God was just shooting out of my mouth and I confessed and shouted and spoke out the truth over my life and my marriage and my family for so long and so loud that I started to lose my voice. My lips were like a machine gun spraying the Word of God that had been so deeply buried within me for years. When I was about half way home, the love of God spilled out in my car and tears shot out of my eyes, and for the first time in so very long God showed up. His love poured out over me, and He told me he's heard my cries at night, and He's heard my cries in the morning, and that He was restoring the faith of my youth, that movement was starting to happen in my life and that restoration is coming and happening now. So much was said, and I'm trying to recapture it now, but it was a long time coming.
I've cried about eleventy billion times this morning already but not from pain or fear or abandonment, but because the God that resides in the seat of my being rose up today and I'll never be the same.
I couldn't wait to tell you. I'm crying now typing this to you. Thank you for standing with me. Encouraging me and lifting my spirits when there wasn't much to lift and all strength had left me. I love you so much and am so thankful for God sending you as a friend to me. One of those cries in the night and in the early morning was for God to send someone into my life. That someone was you. Thank you.
B
... I stood in the kitchen this morning and poured Hudson a glass of OJ, and for the first time in a long time, a genuine smile broke across my lips, that wasn't forced and didn't take anything to muster up.
He's Alive, and now I'm Alive."
I'm sharing this b/c it is a testimony of God's faithfulness... there were many times over the last 13 years that I have wanted to quit, give up, walk out, walk away... I can't tell you how many times I was DONE. Somehow, God's grace would be renewed and continue to carry me a little while longer. One thing that I was told just a few months ago really challenged me and it was this, if you walk away you will never get to see the other side/the promised land, I have really wrestled with that for the last couple months and it really challenged me to stay the course. I know God has BIG, BIG, plans for us, satan has been trying to take us out and destroy our marriage since 3 months after we were married, God is greater and His plan will continue to prevail.
All week I've just been praying and believing, and nothing real special was going on. Up at 4am, drive 40 minutes to church, pray, worship, stir up my heart, and drive 40 minutes back home. Drinking coffee, water and chicken broth. Somebody jacked up the grinder settings in the cafe', so I stayed up there for a bit to pull some shots and get it working correctly again and then started to drive home.
As soon as I got on 435 an amazing faith rose up on the inside of me like I haven't experienced since my very early twenties. The fire of God was just shooting out of my mouth and I confessed and shouted and spoke out the truth over my life and my marriage and my family for so long and so loud that I started to lose my voice. My lips were like a machine gun spraying the Word of God that had been so deeply buried within me for years. When I was about half way home, the love of God spilled out in my car and tears shot out of my eyes, and for the first time in so very long God showed up. His love poured out over me, and He told me he's heard my cries at night, and He's heard my cries in the morning, and that He was restoring the faith of my youth, that movement was starting to happen in my life and that restoration is coming and happening now. So much was said, and I'm trying to recapture it now, but it was a long time coming.
I've cried about eleventy billion times this morning already but not from pain or fear or abandonment, but because the God that resides in the seat of my being rose up today and I'll never be the same.
I couldn't wait to tell you. I'm crying now typing this to you. Thank you for standing with me. Encouraging me and lifting my spirits when there wasn't much to lift and all strength had left me. I love you so much and am so thankful for God sending you as a friend to me. One of those cries in the night and in the early morning was for God to send someone into my life. That someone was you. Thank you.
B
... I stood in the kitchen this morning and poured Hudson a glass of OJ, and for the first time in a long time, a genuine smile broke across my lips, that wasn't forced and didn't take anything to muster up.
He's Alive, and now I'm Alive."
I'm sharing this b/c it is a testimony of God's faithfulness... there were many times over the last 13 years that I have wanted to quit, give up, walk out, walk away... I can't tell you how many times I was DONE. Somehow, God's grace would be renewed and continue to carry me a little while longer. One thing that I was told just a few months ago really challenged me and it was this, if you walk away you will never get to see the other side/the promised land, I have really wrestled with that for the last couple months and it really challenged me to stay the course. I know God has BIG, BIG, plans for us, satan has been trying to take us out and destroy our marriage since 3 months after we were married, God is greater and His plan will continue to prevail.
Thank you to all of you that have been my support group for the past year and some of you longer than that and some of you had no idea, it was hard, so hard for me to keep going, but knowing I had the friends that I have been blessed with has been a great strength and comfort to me. Thank you for your friendship and for doing life with me. I love you all. xoxo.
Monday, January 31, 2011
fresh starts and new beginnings...
so this is a new journey for me - blogging, that is...
my real inspiration for deciding to blog comes from a miracle that happened just 10 short days ago. it was a complete answer to prayer, years of prayers prayed not just by myself but by many, many people...
i also want to share my life and the experiences i have walked through in my short *cough, cough* 37 years. i want to document what i have walked through, the good, the bad and the ugly - not only to have it documented but also thinking that it might bring hope to others and encouragement to those in need...
on occasion i may even have some fun fashion tips, finds, etc... and of course lots of sarcasm!
but most of all i want to do life with the peeps in my world and i think there is no better way than sharing my heart, being real, and honest.
so there you have it... in a nutshell.
my husband who most of you know has struggled with serious depression for 13 years was "suddenly" set free and healed on January 21 (10 days ago) which also happened to be his 35th birthday... there are no words to describe the joy my heart feels when i see him happy, free, and like a million pounds are lifted off of him. the sparkle in his eye is back, and when i look at him my heart feels the way it did when i met him in 1996. i am so thankful to God that i didn't give up. so many times i thought i was done. i didn't think i could go on another day and somehow i did. God gave me the grace to keep going... i found a prophecy that is dated 9/30 - not sure of the year but i found it tonight when i was looking for something else and i was once again awed by God's faithfulness...
This is the prophecy:
"Behold is the Lords hand shortened that he cannot save? See He has inscribed you on the palm of His hands, your walls are continually before Him. Lift up your eyes today, let your soul bless the Lord. You shall surely clothe yourself, you shall bind jewels on you as a bride does, you who is tossed and turned, afflicted without comfort, the Lord shall come to you today, He'll bring healing to your soul and rest to your mind. His eye is upon you, His hand is upon your back and His presence is with you. He will come at the last hour and save. Don't draw back, don't draw back today, press into His heart, He is reaching out, His hand is always ready, He says take it my child, take my help and my rest today."
HOW AWESOME IS THAT???
for those of you that don't know, i was in my last hour... and He came and saved us... It's a true miracle... God's timing is always perfect, why is that so hard to get through our hard heads? we always think we know what's best but He does.
my real inspiration for deciding to blog comes from a miracle that happened just 10 short days ago. it was a complete answer to prayer, years of prayers prayed not just by myself but by many, many people...
i also want to share my life and the experiences i have walked through in my short *cough, cough* 37 years. i want to document what i have walked through, the good, the bad and the ugly - not only to have it documented but also thinking that it might bring hope to others and encouragement to those in need...
on occasion i may even have some fun fashion tips, finds, etc... and of course lots of sarcasm!
but most of all i want to do life with the peeps in my world and i think there is no better way than sharing my heart, being real, and honest.
so there you have it... in a nutshell.
my husband who most of you know has struggled with serious depression for 13 years was "suddenly" set free and healed on January 21 (10 days ago) which also happened to be his 35th birthday... there are no words to describe the joy my heart feels when i see him happy, free, and like a million pounds are lifted off of him. the sparkle in his eye is back, and when i look at him my heart feels the way it did when i met him in 1996. i am so thankful to God that i didn't give up. so many times i thought i was done. i didn't think i could go on another day and somehow i did. God gave me the grace to keep going... i found a prophecy that is dated 9/30 - not sure of the year but i found it tonight when i was looking for something else and i was once again awed by God's faithfulness...
This is the prophecy:
"Behold is the Lords hand shortened that he cannot save? See He has inscribed you on the palm of His hands, your walls are continually before Him. Lift up your eyes today, let your soul bless the Lord. You shall surely clothe yourself, you shall bind jewels on you as a bride does, you who is tossed and turned, afflicted without comfort, the Lord shall come to you today, He'll bring healing to your soul and rest to your mind. His eye is upon you, His hand is upon your back and His presence is with you. He will come at the last hour and save. Don't draw back, don't draw back today, press into His heart, He is reaching out, His hand is always ready, He says take it my child, take my help and my rest today."
HOW AWESOME IS THAT???
for those of you that don't know, i was in my last hour... and He came and saved us... It's a true miracle... God's timing is always perfect, why is that so hard to get through our hard heads? we always think we know what's best but He does.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)